The Mummy & The Mummy Returns

The recommendation for tonight was The Mummy Returns, but watching a sequel as a standalone movie just seems like bad practice, so I decided to watch the two back to back. First up: The Mummy.

I had apprehensions about watching The Mummy Returns. I thought that maybe the movie would be gruesome or scary, but it wasn’t either of those things – creepy at points, but an adventure story at its roots. This movie was one of the reasons my List watching project for so long – I didn’t want to watch this franchise. I was avoiding it. That was totally not justified apprehension.

Good:

  • Dual wielding pistols
  • Good animation on the mummy, especially for the time when this came out. Not what I expected.
  • Smart lady characters who are the only one who can figure out whats going on are a weakness of mine
  • Winston Havelock
  • To be fair to the Mummy, that’d distract me too
  • Literally riding off into the sunset

Bad:

  • Presumably experienced librarian makes really stupid rookie mistake and destroys the entire library
  • Really poor artifact handling practices
  • Scarab-based body horror
  • Flying low to escape a sandstorm seems like objectively the wrong choice
  • Why are treasure rooms always such a goddamn mess?

And then, the Mummy Returned. The protagonists of the last movie, apparently not having learned his lesson from the last movie, are still fucking around in ancient Egyptian burial sites.

This franchise really didn’t need a lore expansion. The first movie was weird, but self contained. If there had been some hints of some of the meta-plot and wider scope worked into the first movie, I’d be less bothered by the sudden expansion of the scope of weirdness. But this is a modern idea, so it isn’t quite right to expect it from these movies – blame Marvel, basically.

They also really didn’t explain why the Mummy wasn’t permanently destroyed at the end of the last movie. Whatever.

Good:

  • And so the dark god accepted, because mortal souls are both tasty and full of fiber and B vitamins
  • Henchmen with really henchman-y accents
  • Those pillars fell over just like the shelves in the lib- ooooooh.
  • The fights are still properly bombastic (this style grew on me during the first movie)
  • Little mummies

Bad:

  • I’m sure the magic visions will totally be explained to my satisfaction
  • They never wanted anyone to find this, let’s open it
  • Just for once, I’d like it to be the male half of the leading duo that gets kidnapped
  • ‘Just because I’m a kid, doesn’t mean I’m stupid’. Uh, yes it does, sorry
  • CGI monster kissing
  • Stormtrooper-level aim (unless your character is named, and then you can’t miss)
  • Character death that came out of nowhere and served literally no purpose other than momentary man pain

Bonus Round: (500) Days of Summer

This movie made me laugh a lot, because most of the jokes were absolutely at the expense of people like me. And I appreciate that. I gave up lying to myself about the nature of my foolishness a long time ago. And the fact that Tom is much worse than me (I fucking hope) helps that as well.

I went from Sweet!bitter on the 50cm bonus round to Bitter!sweet in 500 Days, and it was rough. But it was good. I have a lot of other thoughts about this, but they are all just a little too close to home, so suck it up cupcake, ’cause I ain’t sharing.

Good:

  • I lost my shit and laughed aloud at the top of my lungs at the opening dedication. Perfect.
  • Lemony Snickett style narration.
  • Zooey Deschanel
  • The lady dothn’t.
  • ‘No jobs, I’m still unemployed.’
  • Han Solo reflection
  • I didn’t know most of the music in the soundtrack, but it had that classic feel that I appreciate regardless
  • Tom was right.

Bad:

  • This is why I never want to go to an open mic karaoke bar
  • I guess its only a walk of shame if you aren’t a dude
  • Wisdom of the ages from the younger sibling (this is Bad because I’m pretty sure she’s right)
  • It’s a free country
  • Denial
  • Infinite cringe
  • Look at camera, roll credits

Bonus Round: 5 Centimeters Per Second

Holy crap, this movie is gorgeous. The sky, the sky! Fucking brilliant. It was pictures of the skies in this movie that convinced me to watch this, and it wasn’t a mistake.

I haven’t watching anything anime-ish in quite a whole, and it took me a little while to slip back into the groove of reading subs. It’s a bit like riding a bike though – it can be difficult to pick back up again, but you don’t really forget. And the stories…well, the stories reminded me of the good bits of being a teenager deep in the throes of emotion, without really bringing up my sourness on the subject. And that’s a rare thing.

I don’t even really have anything else to say. If you have a taste for the beautiful and bittersweet, watch this. You won’t regret it.

Good:

  • There are so many lines early in this movie that hit me really hard, but quoting them out of the context made them hollow, so I gave up.
  • Fucking nerd children talking about science shit. Cute.
  • Imagine the station master. ‘Oh shit, now there are two kids here, and they are both crying. Fucking great.’
  • ‘I wonder when I got into the habit of writing messages to nobody?’

Bad:

  • I started watching this on DVD, but what is the point in watching such a pretty movie in 480p?
  • Public transport that waits if a connecting service is running late? THAT SOUNDS FAKE.
  • Oh, Sakai, girl. I feel that.
  • Windows Vasta
  • SUDDEN MID-MOVIE CUT TO AN OPENING STYLE MUSIC MONTAGE
  • Wait…that’s the end? Fuck you movie, I was NOT DONE with Story 3 yet.